Should have, would have, could have, probably should never ever be?

Would haves, could haves and should haves probably should never be. Sometimes I think it's best to leave the past in the past. I have never heard of a missed opportunity coming to fruition and working out in the future. Recently, an opportunity has presented itself for me to become establish with an old friend. And because I had once held this person in such high regard.....I began to think about the possibilities for the future. Back in the day, I absolutely adored this person. I thought of him as extremely kind, warm, sensitive, loyal and attractive. While he was/is very physically attractive, I found (for me) his personality traits were the biggest turn on. He had a very sweet endearing quality about him. Most importantly, he made me feel safe when I was around him. I am not one to live in the past. But, I couldn't help but ponder the possibilities. Unfortunately, some recent information has come to light. I am sure that on some level he still has all of the qualities that I once adored. But as we age, the effects of life begin to take their tole. We become more skilled at deceiving, manipulation, and misrepresentation. I am wondering if it is a lesson learned. Would haves, could haves, probably should never be!

So, God if your listening try not to laugh at my simplicity. Please bring me someone kind, honest, warm, sensitive, and loyal. I don't care about money or influence. I want to be with some that I can connect with and feel safe with again.

New Beginnings

It has been many years since my divorce. I feel as if I have been barely existing. Being a responsible single mother of two that works in health care just doesn't leave much energy or desire to take time for myself at the end of the day. My children are 10 and 9. Somewhere along the way with the day to day hustle, I have lost my way. I have lost myself. The sad thing is that if I don't take care of myself, who will? I think this is a common problem for most women. They get lost in raising their family. I don't want my entire identity to be about family.

So now, I am ready to turn over a new leaf. I am ready to reclaim the person I was/am. The fortunate thing is that I am a better person now than what I was prior to children. Reclaiming myself will be a process of adjustment not only for myself but the children and my family. Boundaries will be set. Limits will be placed.

My future is looking brighter. The possibilities are endless as they have always been. So here's to new beginnings...................

New Creation

Oh my goodness. The children went to visit their chromosome donor for the first time in several months. I actually spent the last 24 hours by myself. I feel like a new creation. I met my friend Thomas for lunch yesterday and breakfast this am. I actually feel human.

Anyway, I am still working on my freaking paper. I wish I could twinkle my nose and have it be done!

More good news on the bone marrow transplant front. Sissy's white count has progressed to 1.3. This is up from 0.9 yesterday.

Jen

PAPER

I have been up since 0530 this morning working on this paper incorporating leadership and management principles in nursing. I am almost in the home stretch. It still needs to be converted to APA format. Hence, if anyone is an English major or has a special talent in APA format, drop me a line. This is my capstone. I need to nail this paper.

Other news, my cousin had a bone marrow transplant one month ago. She has been on a vent for the last two weeks. Her white count in the span of a day went from 0.4 to 0.9. This is good news. Perhaps, it will be a success after all.

I will write more later.

Emotional Connections

I am an avid blog reader. I have my favorite blogs that I have been following for years. Even though I have never personally met the people of the blogs that I read, I feel a certain level of intimacy. I feel like they have become a part of me. I am engaged on an emotional level. Am I odd to feel a connection with people that I have never met?

My absolute favorite blog to read is "My Confessions." I feel this emotional connection with the blogger and his family. I find his intelligence stimulating as well as his down to earth nature refreshing. His life has taken many whips and turns yet he trods forward despite the many setbacks. If you were to ask me who I admire, I would have to say "Bigg".

I have enlcosed a link to his blog. Happy reading! http://www.chamberednautilus.blogspot.com/

Unmotivated

I seem to have lost my drive. I have a million things that I need to do, but I have no desire to do them. I feel like life has sucked the life out of me. I am fortunate. I do have a good job, good children and a reasonable intellectual capacity. But, happiness, motivation and contentment seem to elude me.

FUNK!

I am currently experiencing a funk! I took a job in the ER working nights last May. I work three nights on and have four nights off. I thought this would be perfect considering the fact that I am a single mother. But, now I am wondering if I made the right decision. The ER is not quite what I thought it would be. It's more like a clinic with very minimal emergencies. I feel like I am limited by my circumstances. I feel very hopeless and helpless. I want to work on myself and my circumstances. But, I feel to exhausted to do so. I am craving for physical and emotional intimacy. But it seems to be eluding me. I want to have an intentional life, but unsure where to start.